As 2015 was heading into the homestretch, colleague Craig Webb walked by my desk and said, “Who’s hosting the Bobbys this year?”
Nice line.
Webb is funny. But not funny enough to host the Bobby Awards. Nobody is.
Why? Because we don’t need no stinkin’ television show. The Bobbys are distributed the way God intended: on thin, crinkly newsprint and via that thing our forefathers called the “World Wide Web.”
Today, for the 20th consecutive year, I come before you to honor the best and the worst, the goofiest and the dumbest, the oddest and most embarrassing moments our area had to offer during the 12 months gone by.
Our TV blackout guarantees that the Bobbys, unlike those overhyped national awards — the Oscars, the Emmys, the Grammys, the Tonys — will not subject you to annoying Hollywood chatterboxes or mind-numbing commercials.
If the Bobbys were televised, they probably would require a disclaimer:
“Warning: These awards are biased, insensitive, slanted, sarcastic, one-sided and unfair.”
And therein lies their beauty. LIFETIME BOBBY AWARD: This was The Year of the Don. No, not the one with the platypus on his head. Our Don. Don Plusquellic. Longest-serving mayor in Akron’s history. Our Don did so many bizarre things during 2015 that we have created a special new Bobby for lifetime achievement.
Let’s review: Don accuses a city councilman of plotting his assassination ... refuses to admit he was exaggerating ... abruptly quits his 28-year job and blames it on mean people at the Beacon Journal ... is caught peeing on a tree late at night in a University of Akron parking lot ... starts wearing fedoras everywhere he goes.
As the winner of the first Lifetime Bobby Award, Don’s likeness will be on display in the new Bobby Bobblehead Museum, scheduled to open inside my desk drawer on New Year’s Day — the same day Akron swears in its fourth mayor in seven months. ODDEST JOB OPENING: Summa Health System caught plenty of grief when it unveiled a strict new dress code that included the stipulation that all employees must wear underwear. Exactly how that provision would be enforced was not clear. THE ‘NEW COKE’ TROPHY: University of Akron President Scott Scarborough’s push to “rebrand” the school went over about as well as Coca-Cola’s decision to reformulate its product in 1985. One wag suggested UA’s new slogan could lead to a twist on Ohio State’s call and response of “O-H” and “I-O.” He said, “If you attend an Ohio Polytech University game, will they yell, ‘O-H’ ... ‘P-U’?” SUPER SALE: A night manager at the Fairlawn Walmart took the company’s slogan — “Save money, Live better” — to heart. In October, jacked up on Oxycodone, he decided to help himself to $118,000 in the store’s safe. He drove to Columbus and hung out at a hotel for a few days, where it dawned on him that perhaps this wasn’t the best decision he had ever made. So he drove back and handed over the money. Police determined he was in violation of Walmart’s return policy. THE DUMP HEARD ’ROUND THE WORLD: When Your Favorite Columnist first wrote about the Kenmore Pooper on March 12, he knew the story would raise eyebrows. But he didn’t realize it would become an international sensation, with the accompanying surveillance photo turning into the most widely circulated image since Ruby shot Oswald. The lesson: Never underestimate the power of poop. Media nicknames included the Poop Bandit, the Filthy Felon, the Creepy Crapper, the Poop Gangsta, the Bowel Movement Bandit, the Metamucil Marauder, the Drive-By Dookie, the Serial Log-Dropper and the Disgusting Defecator. MEG RYAN AWARD: According to a crime report, Akron police “were called to a residence after a neighbor complained that it sounded like women were moaning next door. An Akron police officer reported that a group of females was having a moaning contest. They were advised to take the party indoors.” My kind of neighborhood. CAPTAIN OBVIOUS AWARD: Wadsworth City Council spent months debating whether the sale of beer would be appropriate in a one-block area during the city’s Oktoberfest. Council also debated whether to allow turkey on Thanksgiving and chocolate on Valentine’s Day. THE HUGGER FROM HELL: How does it feel to go from 177,000 Facebook followers to zero in a single day? Ask former Brimfield Police Chief David Oliver, who was outed as a misogynistic, verbally and physically abusive serial hugger. His entertaining Facebook blurbs had given him a national profile and his own book, No Mopes Allowed. A reader quickly suggested a sequel: No Gropes Allowed. DAVID OLIVER AWARD: When Garry Moneypenny stepped up from council president to replace Akron’s longest-serving mayor, he lasted exactly 10 days. Nothing like celebrating your promotion to mayor by groping a city employee. TIN-EAR TROPHY: Who would have imagined that one of the classiest organizations in the region would come up with the worst name since the former “Metro Parks, Serving Summit County”? Next year, the city will host the (take a breath) “Akron Children’s Hospital Akron Marathon Race Series Marathon, Half Marathon and Team Relay Presented by FirstEnergy.” To save space, the T-shirts will simply read ACHAMRSMHMTRPFE. PROMISCUITY AWARD: A glossy color flier promised Summa Health System employees they would be receiving free STDs. “The new STD program will become effective Jan. 1, 2016. … You do not have to enroll or pay a premium.” We should hope not. If you read far enough, you discovered that the STDs in question were “short-term disability” plans. FOOD CRITIC OF THE YEAR: An Alliance woman called 911 to complain that her Chinese food order was not up to par. Alliance police were not amused, nor was the judge who sentenced her to three days in jail for making a frivolous 911 call. ANIMAL HOUSE AWARD: Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Who would have thought the personal life of the 22nd pick in the 2014 NFL Draft would more closely resemble that of Bluto than Aaron Rodgers? Well, almost anybody who scouted him. But we’re talking about the Browns. SINGER SHORTAGE: Oct. 20 was a tough day for troubadours. Your favorite newspaper carried obits for local people named Carol King and James Taylor. A former member of the Bee Gees missed joining the group by a single letter; also among the day’s deceased was Maurice Gibbs. LEWIS & CLARK TROPHY: Montville Township police “were flagged down on Interstate 71 South by a motorist who needed directions to get to New York.” Yes, Interstate 71 South. Instead of a Breathalyzer, police administered a fourth-grade geography test. BEST NEWS RELEASE: It came from the Mount Vernon Nazarene University Marketing Team. “Greetings. On June 2, 2015, we sent you a press release entitled ‘MVNU’s SonFest Tickets on Sale Now.’ That news release contained an error — tickets are not on sale. Thank you.” BRIDGE-BURNER OF THE YEAR: An Akron court bailiff posted the following on Facebook for about six hours before coming to her senses: “Was fired today … for political reasons. I did nothing wrong!!! She gave my job to someone with 2 months experience versus my 5 years experience!!! [F---] that sorry [B----]!!!! NEVER vote for her again!!” MIRACLE ON HIGH STREET: Mayoral candidates Dan Horrigan and Michael Williams vowed to avoid negative campaigning during their Democratic primary race. Mayoral candidates Dan Horrigan and Michael Williams avoided negative campaigning during their Democratic primary race. Wait … what?! BEST COLUMNIST: Modesty forbids.
Messages for Bobby can be left at 330-996-3580 or bdyer@thebeaconjournal.com. He would like to express his semi-eternal gratitude to colleagues and friends who contributed Bobby nominations during the year: Rick Armon, Jim Carney, Dan Cox, Rich Desrosiers, Charlene Nevada, Stephanie Warsmith, Phil Trexler and Craig Webb.
