On the surface, little seemed to connect the dozens who filtered into a church in Akron one crisp Tuesday night in May.
A blonde millennial woman, a Latino man approaching retirement age and a middle-aged woman who parked an expensive car were among the diverse group that chatted and smiled with friends old and new.
As they shuffled into a dimly lit room and took their seats in a circle, a singular bond revealed itself: These are the family and friends of alcoholics.
At thousands of Al-Anon Family Group meetings across the world, like the weekly gatherings in Akron, it’s clear addiction is more than an individual disease.
It’s a family affair.
“We suffer too — physically, emotionally, terribly,” said an Al-Anon member who agreed to share her story on the condition of anonymity, as is custom with Alcoholics Anonymous and its affiliate groups.
She said Al-Anon helped her find solace while her 20-something son recovered from alcoholism and drug addiction. Though her son is now more than 18 months sober, she intends to keep Al-Anon a part of her life as long as she lives.
A message of hope
Al-Anon’s mission is to inspire hope for families and friends of alcoholics. Its members follow the same creed as A.A., seeking a higher power to help them understand what they can and can’t change, and following a 12-step program to recover.
For Al-Anon members, that means refusing to enable alcoholics in their lives to manipulate or control them, and knowing when and how to help their loved ones recover when they’re ready. The process can be complicated, but the local woman who shared her experience said it’s made simpler by the support of fellow members.
At her first Al-Anon meetings, she misunderstood the group’s purpose.
“For weeks I went on thinking they were going to help me help him,” she said. “I didn’t realize it wasn’t to help him — it was to help me.”
She said that was a hard epiphany to reach, but it’s given her invaluable skills and resources.
“Before, I blamed myself,” she said. “But he had to come to the realization [that he needed help] on his own.”
Personal struggle
Though she and her son have a strong relationship now that he’s sober, the two went through a long period of pain.
Her son was at risk for alcoholism because his father’s family was full of addicts. She recalled telling him to be careful because he was genetically predisposed.
“I thought I had it covered. I mean, I said it enough times,” she said. “What I didn’t know is that it doesn’t matter whether he remembers it or not — the disease took over. I could’ve tattooed it on his arm so he read it every day, and it wouldn’t have mattered.”
Her son, who identifies primarily as an alcoholic and then as a drug addict, agreed.
“I have a brain disease ... It’s this mental obsession beyond my control. And when I put that very first drink at 16 in me, that kicked it off,” he said. “You ask any alcoholic and drug addict, and they’ll tell you the same thing.
‘‘We all go through the exact same scenario, just different people, places and things.”
His mother said she learned he was experimenting with alcohol when he was in high school, but she never thought it could progress beyond that.
Then she found a hypodermic needle in his room.
“When he got home and spoke the word ‘heroin,’ I crumbled,” she said. “I couldn’t bear the thought. Not my child. Not my baby.”
She said the discovery started her down a path of destruction. She attempted to micromanage her son’s activities, to distance him from drugs — but all that did was push him away. He eventually entered a treatment center, and she thought that was the end.
It wasn’t.
After discovering two more needles, she and her husband posed an ultimatum: Get help or leave. He chose to leave.
“I knew that as soon as I got out the door, I didn’t have to worry about being under their microscope anymore and I could do what I wanted to do without any repercussions — or so I thought,” he said.
He ended up living on the streets and getting into trouble with Akron police.
“It was a very cold winter for him to be living on the streets,” she said. “That was my rock bottom. ... There would be periods I wouldn’t hear from him for months, and I’d wonder what to do.”
That’s about the time she turned to Al-Anon, and she’s never looked back.
“It’s all the same devastation. It just takes on a different flavor,” she said. “The same 12 steps he works, I work and I live by. It’s part of my life.”
And as unlikely as it may seem, her son said he’s grateful his mom distanced herself from him.
He hit his own rock bottom while in jail, when he admitted for the first time that he had a problem. He has maintained his sobriety with help from A.A.
“I thank her today for letting me suffer,” he said. “It was necessary.”
His mom said she may not have had the strength to keep him at arm’s length if she didn’t have the support of her friends at Al-Anon.
“If I had never found Al-Anon, I don’t know if he’d be sitting with me here today,” she said. “It’s magic. I call it magic because it is magic.”
Nick Glunt can be reached at 330-996-3565 or nglunt@thebeaconjournal.com. Follow him on Twitter @NickGluntABJ.